I finally feel ready to talk about my loss. On the 17th January 2018 just three weeks after I took the first pregnancy test I starting to miscarry our baby.
I assumed I was just really early on however I remembered the last period I had was way over 6 week ago and it was only really light and for less than two days (turns out it wasn’t my period). I went to the GP who confirmed my pregnancy and told me I was anywhere between 10-12 weeks. Shortly after this it was confirmed that I was losing my pregnancy and hormone levels suggested that I was in fact 10 weeks. All the dates added up from my last period, to my ovulation to even the date our baby was conceived.
I was advised that I would miscarry naturally and to go home and rest. They told me exactly what to look out for to know when baby had completely passed. I was advised that how far along I was there was a risk of an incomplete miscarriage. That had I not passed the baby in seven days I would have no other choice other than to have a D&C something I was adamant I didn’t want done. I went home and cried for days it was hard because we had the boys at the time. I had to keep it together for them, (5) knew something was up because when I was laid in bed he came to join me and watched TV while stroking my stomach.
I passed our baby four days later. This is something I won’t go into one because it’s the only and last memory I have of my baby and it is horrific. At just 10 weeks you can tell the baby is formed with tiny little legs, arms and fingers. Our little Angel was gone.
I didn’t get the support from the hospital or the Doctors that I needed, I felt that it was dealt with quite insensitively, like i’m just meant to carry on. I know 10 weeks is early but I still carried my babies life. I protected her as best as I could but it wasn’t enough. I blamed myself and I still do, I blame the bad fall I had just before Christmas and still think that had a huge part to play.
I couldn’t go to work I was distraught I cried all day and all night for a week. I didn’t sleep for days on end. My heart was broken how could our baby be gone when that’s all we wanted.
Before I even knew we were expecting I had a dream I was pregnant with a little girl, this was a reoccurring dream. I told one of my close work colleagues who said are you sure you’re not pregnant. That planted the seed.
Was a few mornings later the sickness arrived and,was I sick. I’d be sick on my commute to work, if I washed my hair. Don’t even get me started on the fact I went off coffee. It made me gag and the smell turned my stomach. Anyone who knows me on a personal level knows how much I love a black caramel Americano. This was another thing the boys picked up on, they started asking why I wasn’t drinking coffee because that’s the first thing I do when I get up.
I felt guilty as I had the occasional glass of wine over the Christmas period and of course I was already pregnant and I hadn’t known, I was pregnant while in Amsterdam. Looking back now I should have known then as I was off. I was a lot more tired, I put that down to just feeling sick all the time.
The day I found out I was delighted, scared and excited. My life was finally going in the direction I wanted. My purpose in life is to be a mother and that is something I’ve known since I was a little girl. It wasn’t until after we named our Angel Baby that a friend came forward and explained she had a dream about me that I was pregnant with a little girl, when she went into details it was exactly the same as all my previous dreams right down to the name, dress and the way the baby looked. It was that moment that I knew our Bailey was a little girl, even though deep down I knew from day one.
I still to this day feel numb like a huge part of me is missing. I know I will never get to see my beautiful little girl again, I won’t get to show her love, hold her, kiss her, read her bedtime stories. Yes we have the boys, I can do all that with but there is not that biological bond for me. As much as (5) relies on me to do things for him or who he calls when he’s sad, hurt, tried or even excited. It’s really not the same.
People keep asking when we’re going to try again, why am I not pregnant again all ready. This hurts because each month is another disappointment. It upsets me so much I feel a failure as a woman. 2019 I hope will be a better year for us and hope to announce that we have a baby on the way.
Bailey’s due date is fast approaching and I feel empty, all I wish I could do is hold my baby in my arms and tell her how loved she is. Instead, I have nothing but an empty heart.
We have chosen to remember our little girl on her due date 15th August 2018. This is our day in honour of our little angel so I’d appreciate if for that one day people gave us our space and time to grieve and remember our little one we so badly wanted.
I wrote a poem shortly after I miscarried:
Our Baby in Heaven we love you so much
It kills us to know we’ll never feel your touch
We’ll never see you smile, laugh or cry
Now it’s with the Angels you fly.
I’ll carry your heart deep inside mine
I will love you forever until the end of time
I look up to the stars and I know you are near
Every day I let out a silent tear.
Our baby, My world, Our moment of joy
Never will we know if you were a girl or a boy
10 weeks of life and a lifetime of personal hell
Never will we smell your new baby smell.
For our Angel Baby… Bailey Luker